Sunday, July 7, 2013

I'll show them!

In an effort to prove that he has always been more than a slap hitter and bunter, Juan Pierre has recently begun a strenuous weight program that includes seven hours of upper body lifting every day, huge protein shakes, and the dreams of all those before him who hit home runs only on video games.

It seems to be working:


Where before his jersey was so baggy it looked like the word maximum was on front of his jersey, now you can clearly see the word Miami amongst those Adonis pecs.

And you can tell it's all natural because his head is still shrunk from that witch doctor he fell out of favor with so long ago. It's not the size of Bond's head.

The results so far from all this hard work:

  • 28 hits
  • 1 double
  • 2 triples
  • 34 fly balls out of the infield 
  • 0 home runs
  • 1 fly to the warning track-during batting practice
  • 38 bunts which one hopped the wall!
  • 13 stolen bases-until his massive upper body pulled him off the bag and left him standing upright on his head, resulting in 13 tag outs.

*stats are taken from a secret source

Since July 4th, Juan has quit his strength regimen and gone back to his regular one.

He has hit three grand slams since.


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